Setting Boundaries: Your Permission Slip and Strategies to Help

You want to do the right things. You have several roles to fill, and you want to do well in all of them.

I know. I do, too.

We want to be good partners, spouses, parents, sons, daughters, siblings, friends, employees, entrepreneurs….all the things.

And sometimes we struggle. 

Carrying out so many roles requires expending a ton of energy.

Are you constantly trying to be nice? Do you perpetually try to please and take care of others? Do you continually avoid conflict? Do you take on others’ feelings and problems as if they are your own? Is “yes” the only response you have for requests of your time, money, services, and energy?

And, how’s it going? Are you gaining intimacy? Are you feeling adored and respected?

Or… are you gaining resentment? Are you feeling burned out and overwhelmed? 

Some people experience severe depression or anxiety as a result of taking on the troubles of others. They believe they must respond to every crisis that occurs; take on responsibility when another lacks it; relieve loneliness and be at beck and call; accept negligence, immaturity, and martyrdom.

They struggle even though they are not the ones with a problem.

Do you?

I’ve been there before, and sometimes feel the pull now.

But I’ve learned how to choose love over obligation. I’ve learned to discern should from my heart and should from a voice. I’ve discovered that I can be loving and compassionate AND not manipulated.

You can, too. It’s about setting boundaries and starts with giving yourself permission.

It’s okay to have limits. We all do.

You can let others practice self-control and being responsible and independent. That isn’t mean. You don’t have to step up to every pitch. You don’t have to deny anything in your own life.

You are worthy of love and respect, so offer that to yourself. Don’t expect either to come from letting another person have their way.

And just in case you’re not fully convinced, just in case you are not feeling super confident about setting boundaries yet, here is a permission slip.

Seriously, I put this text into a nice printable. You can click here to get it, print it out, and keep it close to inspire you. Not that you need MY permission, but the reminder might serve you well. 

So, now that you have given yourself permission to set boundaries it’s time to work on doing so.

Here are some strategies to help you establish boundaries:

• When you receive a request or think you need to help, give, do, share, respond, etc., pay close attention to how you feel physically. Is your body cringing, is your stomach churning deep inside, are your shoulders tensing up, are your palms sweating or hands clenching? Or do you feel a flush of warmth, confidence, or compassion? Your body will help you realize your limits.
• You’ll know if you’re truly giving out of love if you feel love as you give, not if you’re waiting for it after.
• What have you felt in the past about this person or this type of request?
• Stop the story running through your mind that you’re mean, unappreciative, or selfish if you don’t comply. You are not. You don’t want to feel resentment later and behave badly, or see the relationship go awry. So….you are obviously not only thinking of yourself.
• Separate yourself from them. They are not you. Their feelings, panic, or procrastination are not yours. There’s a dividing line even between partners. In my marriage there is he, me and we, with no pressure for either of us to provide all the love, happiness, fulfillment or relief for the other.
• Don’t let others pressure you. Are they stepping up? If so, are they just trying to pull you into their own misery? Do they need to read this, too? Ask where their “should” is coming from if you’re curious, but exercise discernment.
• Consider if helping will really be helping. Are you hindering someone from learning self-control, time management, budgeting, how to clean up after themselves, resourcefulness?
• Determine what you want to keep and let into your life. Does this align with who you want to be and how you want to live? Does it match with your desire to live authentically?

If you will help:

• Take ownership of your part and be clear about your intentions so that you have absolute freedom. You say how. You are the boss of you.
• Determine how much you can help without depleting yourself. Clearly define these limits to others. Perhaps you will help with major crises but don’t want to be called for little things. You could be available for certain amounts of time on certain days, provide some amount of money one time and no more, assist but not take over. You could also let them know about another resource.
• Discuss firm responsibilities and roles so there is no question nor room for extra requests.
• Identify and hold fast to your personal space, including physical, emotional, and mental boundaries. Your body is your property that you are allowed to guard. You don’t have to commit to draining emotional investments. And, it’s understandable if you don’t want to “do the math for them” and tax your own brain. You can let them think for themselves.

If you say no:

• That’s enough said. Need another permission slip?
• You can soften it up if you want, but no apologies necessary. 
• If you feel the situation warrants explanation, communicate your feelings and where you stand but not your fears. Keep reading to see why….
• Example: You could say “It’s important to me that money stays out of our relationship” rather than, “I’m afraid if I lend you the money and you don’t pay me back again it will affect our friendship.” You’ll just get a bunch of pleas to trust them once more and a list of all their beefy plans to earn the money to pay you back this time. 
• Another example: “I don’t want to have sex with you now” rather than “I’m afraid if we have sex it will ruin our friendship and you won’t respect me.” You know where that will go, don’t you? “Oh baby, it will make us even closer and I’ll respect you even more….blah, blah, blah…”
• Walk away. If you are easily swayed or guilt-ridden, don’t linger around. Remove yourself.
• Get support. Find another source of love, strength, friendship, perhaps coaching. Who loves and appreciates you? Get with your tribe fast.
• Keep in mind that some people will only learn when left with no choice, and sometimes consequences lead to change.

Setting boundaries is crucial for healthy living and healthy relationships. You have accepted permission and equipped yourself with the tools. 

Go forth and let your edges shine.

You might also like this article about “dealing with people”.