Haunted Houses and Talking to Spouses

What does a haunted house and talking to your spouse have in common?

Both can be so frightening.

You’ve got a hot topic, something burning inside of you that you desperately want to get off your chest…

But what will you receive in return? 

A trick:  rejection…  manipulation…  a turn of the table…   a stone wall… ???

Or a treat: understanding… validation…  agreement…  an apology… ???

It’s hard to know what you might face. 

And it can be downright frightening!

At least for me it can be hair-raising! I used to desperately avoid confrontations with everyone and felt intense anxiety when it finally came time for a discussion to occur.

I still feel blood rush through my body when I know it’s coming. All of the feelings and thoughts I have around the subject bubble up inside of me. I become paralyzed with fear and doubt, and sometimes shame. Kinda like when I was a kid walking through haunted houses at Halloween with my eyes closed, fiercely grasping the back of my friend’s costume in front of me.

No words come to the surface. They just bounce around my head and claw at my gut. My body trembles, my skin flushes, and my nervous mind triggers a heat wave through my entire being. There’s something scary ahead, I just know it.

Not a healthy way to handle conflict, or anything really. Not a healthy way to walk through haunted houses.

Do you get that way, too?

Is it utterly frightening for you to meet up with conflict? Do you hold back out of fear? Do you close your eyes in haunted houses?

Here’s what I learned about this, and what you need to learn about this agonizing avoidance, this disabling reaction, this benumbing and controlling fear:

What is really getting held back and prevented is the opportunity for connection and getting closer to your spouse.

Holding back builds resentment and coldness. And… it’s agonizing, disabling, and benumbing. 

What reaction from your spouse could cause you more harm than holding back and letting yourself be controlled by fear?

Wouldn’t it feel great if you could approach or be approached by your spouse, or anyone, without all the dramatic effects occurring in your body? 

What if you could talk to your spouse and feel confident about the outcome and know that it will be a treat and you will NOT be tricked?

Not long ago I made an inner promise to live more connected to my authentic self, to my environment, and to people in my life. 

I realized that it was my ego keeping me feeling like a scared child in a haunted house, telling me, “You can’t handle it; keep your eyes closed.”

It was also my ego holding on to stories about arguments leading to endings, telling me to protect myself and keep quiet so I am not to blame and so I won’t be tricked, telling me he would surely shoot me down, twist things around, or turn away.

But, determined to live up to my promise to live authentically, I knew I had to gain more control of my emotions, be more brave, and be more in charge of my responses. 

I’ve discovered how to be less frightened, less triggered.

You can do it, too!

Keep reading! These strategies and mindset shifts will help you be authentic in your relationship and talk to your spouse…and maybe even walk through a haunted house…with less fear.

3 Ways To Be Less Fearful and More Authentic Talking to Your Spouse

First, before you talk to your spouse, clear the negative energy you’re holding on to.

Consider these questions: 

• How do you feel about arguing?
• What stories have you created about arguing that might not be always true?
• How do you feel about yourself if you argue?
• What ghosts or triggers from the past have set these beliefs in your mind?

Be aware of your mindset, how you’ve already convinced yourself what your spouse will say (mind-reading), and how you’re judging.

This self-awareness can help you release thoughts and beliefs that are holding you back. You don’t have to keep believing that an argument will end in divorce. You don’t have to stay small and quiet because speaking up once got you into trouble or was followed by heartache. 

If you are authentic and bravely speak your truth, you’re grounded and protected by self-assurance and a stronger heart.

Next, when the blood starts rushing and you feel the fear, doubt or shame start rising, here’s how you can get back in control so you can calmly talk to your spouse:

While taking a few deep breaths relax your shoulders, neck and arms. Let them be loose, but keep your head upright and your torso strong. Maintain a good posture with the trunk of your body by staying firm in your abdominal, back and pelvic muscles. 

This posture will help keep you motivated and feeling confident talking to your spouse.

Crossed arms, a hanging head, a slouched body all give negative signals you don’t want to send to yourself or to your spouse.

Finally, here’s some help for when you’re ready to talk to your spouse:

Show up in love.

Believe that you can find satisfaction and that this is an opportunity to be satisfied by your spouse. 

Focus on the outcome your seeking, not about getting your way, but a sweeter reward: loving understanding, partnership, a win-win plan for moving forward. This focus will bring a treat for both of you.

Get yourself in a state to speak calmly AND to listen and be open. 

I can get so worried about finding the right words, making those words come out right, and what I’m going to say after he says what he’s going to say…. (because I already know what he’s going to say, right?)

Having your words ready might help ease your tension. For this, you only must know and express how you feel and what you want. Learn to make a request, not a complaint.

You don’t need to have a list of their faults, examples of their negligence or offensive acts, or proof you gathered from your friends. (side note: Please don’t talk to your friends about anything between you and your spouse unless they are 100% supportive of your relationship.)

When you talk to your spouse, just say how you feel about what’s going on. Keep it short, stay calm, and then LISTEN.

Don’t think of countering the response. You don’t have to believe the response or even respond to the response.

Just listen and hear what your spouse has to say.

This can be quite a challenge, I’ll admit. It’s easy to rant about what someone does wrong and how someone mistreats you, but to decide how you feel about it and what you really desire and to express that, and ONLY that, is……quite a challenge.

Here’s an example:

Instead of:  “We never talk any more. You used to come home and sit with me in the kitchen and we would talk about our days and our dreams for the future. It seems like you don’t care about me anymore. You just come home and go straight to the couch and watch the news. Then you’re angry about all the bad things happening in the world and you’re grouchy for the rest of the night. You scarf down your dinner, take a shower and I don’t even see you until I find you in bed asleep. Do you even care if I’m here when you come home? Do you even love me anymore? Is there someone else?”

Try this: “I’m disappointed that we don’t talk like we used to. I miss our chats after work. Is there anything I should know?”

—focused, clear, no blame, no shame.

Now for the listening part…

Remember: you don’t want to counter the response. You want to stay present, hear them out, and allow room and space for how you two might make things better.

When you talk to your spouse, remember the goals of mutual understanding, partnership and connectedness.

If there is an apology, show appreciation and let it go. No gloating. Get involved in something fun or productive on your own or together and LET IT GO.

If a calm discussion begins about the issue, stay compassionate, keep it focused on solutions, and don’t let it get draining or go sour.

If it gets heated, take a time-out. Pay attention to your body and any negative thoughts taking over. Do a quick posture check, take a few deep breaths, and see if you can get back to calm and steady. If not, agree to stop and follow up at a later agreed upon time. Then try again.

Bonus: For ongoing success consider daily reflections to increase your self-awareness. 

Start meditating, praying, or journaling about your sensitivities in your relationship. 

Think about where your scary stories about arguing came from. 

What other strategies might help you calm yourself when the tension hits? 

When you’re hurting, write down your griefs and get really clear on how you feel and what you truly long for so that you are ready to talk. 

Act this way in all of your relationships, when talking to your spouse, your boss, a friend, your children. Notice how differently your conversations flow. Notice how your relationships grow, especially with your spouse.

It doesn’t have to be frightening to talk to your spouse. It can actually be liberating and full of sweet treats for both of you!

As for haunted houses, I admit that I still struggle. My strategy: keep my eyes straight ahead and charge through.

Really… I’d rather just go talk to my husband about putting the cap back on the toothpaste.

I would love to know how this article is helpful to you. Leave me a comment below or shoot me an email.

And, I know how difficult this topic can be. Sometimes it can be easier to have those important conversations with someone there to help. To get in touch with me, use the form in the sidebar, or here, or scroll down on your mobile device. I’m here to help!

Halloween photo credits: Jennifer Sanders (one mother-in-love)

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