The ART of Loving A Man

A – Acceptance

No man wants to be your project. Have you ever said or thought comments like these?

• “He sure likes to do things his way–I’ll fix that!”
• “He doesn’t sort clothes for washing, fills the dishwasher backwards, and leaves his stuff laying around a lot…….but all of that will change once I train him right.”
• “I’ll teach him to love art shows, musicals and parties.”

If you’ve made any statement along those lines, it’s time to let those plans go.

Sure you need to express your wants and desires in a relationship. But complaints, manipulation and attempts to train a partner will lead to havoc.

Try a little more agreeableness. Don’t fight for something to be done your way just for the sake of being right. Does it really matter? Can you relax your tendency towards perfection? Can you get over the clothes on the floor? Maybe you can even throw yours on top….maybe hampers and laundry baskets are overrated.

Try expressing more appreciation and less judgement….no judgement. Just turn away when he’s loading the dishes; pull out your delicate camisoles and buy laundry detergent that won’t let colors bleed. Be ever-so-thankful that he makes an effort to help out.

I’ve learned that I get more help at home when I express sincere gratitude and make no comments about the how. Just turn away….

Try letting him be him, letting him enjoy what he enjoys, love what he loves. He loves you after all. He doesn’t have to love all the things you love, too.

Relish in the activities you do love together and accept your different preferences. If he rejects attending a party, that is not rejecting you. If you reject watching football all weekend or learning to play golf, that doesn’t mean you don’t love him, right?

You both have uniquenesses and different likes and dislikes that don’t have to be dividing factors in your relationship. They foster healthy interdependence and keep you both interesting.

Let him feel safe to spend time on his hobbies, tackle projects his way, decline attending your work party or the grand opening of the new comedy club.

Show admiration for what he contributes to your relationship, your family, your home. Show some compassion for his long work day instead of pouncing on him when he’s late. Show him that you think he’s adorable, quirks and all!

Let him know that you are grateful for him and committed to loving him unconditionally. You see who he is, hear all he says, and totally accept him. What relief you’ll provide for him!

And guess what—

By accepting him in all his authenticity, you get to be accepted as well. You will find relief and have freedom, too. You are free to be feminine and express yourself in your own ways.

Accept him and you will be accepted, too. Plus, you’ll most likely be pleasantly surprised that things will go more your way.

R – Respect

If you love being right, you’ve got to find other ways to get your kicks—unless you want to kick your relationship to the curb.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m sure you are right about a lot of things a lot of the time. I am. 😉

But the gloating and bantering, the pointing out of flaws and mistakes—disastrous. And disrespectful.

Criticizing and teasing have no place in a relationship. I was with someone before who found pleasure in sharpening those two knives. I was always the butt of his jokes, stabbed for funny slip-ups and mishaps, but sometimes for unfounded or even made-up scenarios. There was never redemption, and I became smaller and smaller in that relationship until I wore out and finally got out of it.

What did you see in this man when you first met him? What gifts, talents, abilities impressed you? What led you to fall in love with him? What made him worthy of you? What could you see that others admired about him?

Those attributes are still who he is, not just who he was. Remind him of how proud you are of him and how you still see him in the light of attraction that first drew you in.

Look for opportunities to show you respect and value him and his knowledge, opinions, and decisions. Point out when and why others have expressed respect towards him. Encourage his respectable behaviors so they’ll continue.

Respect yourself, too. Your words and affirmations will be taken more seriously and to heart than if you are showing respect to him with your own head down. Speak and act as one respectable person to another.

You are both worthy of love and respect. Show him that you believe this.

Use affirming language when you’re together. Support him and sincerely brag about him in public. Speak highly of him even when he’s not around. This is especially good practice if you’re struggling to respect him. Remember your answers to the questions above and look for opportunities to show respect, even for the smallest actions.

T – Trust

Believe in him! You just reconnected yourself with all that you value and love about him. Now step up your faith in him.

Have faith that he can please you, satisfy you, support you, and…..handle his problem at work, make his own to-do list, navigate a decent route to a restaurant.

This is not just about giving up control, though that’s an extremely important part. It’s also about showing him that he is enough.

Your faith will give him confidence and strength to trust himself. He will know that he can be fully himself, and that he is enough.

If he vents about a problem at work or with one of the guys, just listen, be supportive, show him you’ve got his back no matter what. He doesn’t need your opinion, your expertise with seeing both sides of an issue, or your advice. Ask if he wants to know what you think, but be prepared to keep it to yourself. Trust him!

Of course discuss things that need to get done and even things that you dream of. But respect his agenda, priorities and time.

In the couples I work with, I’ve seen many men drained by honey-do lists, even with things on the list that they actually want to do. But the hounding and snapping keeps them avoiding and procrastinating. It isn’t about a dream anymore, but more about control.

I am an avid do-it-myself-er, but now and then I want something done, or help. You can respectfully say what you want, express how much it means to you or what satisfying result would come of it, and then try to leave it at that. Trust him!

And, if you can’t explain what it means to you or what satisfying result will come from it, maybe you need to reconsider the request. What’s more important, getting a thing done or his feelings? What’s more important when you go out, the more direct route you know so well, or him feeling competent and loved? Trust him!

Sometimes you might think he just won’t solve the problem, he might not fix the thing, he might mess something up. Would it really be a big deal, big enough to stir up bad feelings? You took your camisoles out of the wash, so what if his white socks turn pink? Trust him!

ACCEPTANCE + RESPECT + TRUST = LOVE

Thanks for reading!

Woman or man, I’d love to know your thoughts about the art of loving a man. Leave a comment below.

If you’re relationship is struggling, here is how I can help.

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