When You’re Wondering: “Is It Just Me?”

Relationship struggles are common. It’s difficult to know when the arguments that you and your partner have are normal issues every couple deals with or signs that you just aren’t compatible. In my coaching sessions, it’s common to hear the question: “Is it just me?”

In the beginning—when you’re getting to know each other, you’re both showing your best faces, and feelings are pretty intense—it’s easy to brush off the arguments. There’s so much good happening to overarch the squabbles, and negative feelings quickly dissipate.

Then, sooner or later, disagreements might come more frequently or feel more magnified.

You might start to wonder what happened to the passion as your body slows down the production of those feel-good chemicals that kept your heart a flutter.

Some things start to become more difficult to get over. “Forgiving-and-forgetting” doesn’t occur so easily.

You might start to feel:

• irritated with the relationship
• isolated when your partner doesn’t agree with you
• attacked or defensive when you hear complaints
• less fond of your partner
• less valued in the relationship

Some insecurity might set in.

That’s when you wonder:

“Am I with the wrong person; or is it just me?”

I hear this question so often when a man or woman reaches out to me and feels the need to examine their relationship.

If that’s where you are right now, I get it.

I’ve reached this point in every long-term relationship I’ve ever been in, including my current marriage of 16 years. I’ve often wondered: “Is it just me?”

Unfortunately, during my past relationships, I never had proper guidance to navigate that tricky question. I never truly understood interdependence. I thought we should feel passionate and agree on everything or split up.

When I completed a marriage and family training program through the Gottman Institute, I finally discovered what makes a healthy interdependent relationship. I became excited to dive into a relationship again, knowing that I had tools to navigate the tricky waters.

When I get that feeling now, I know how to stop the vicious swirling and questioning in my head. I know how to ground myself and truly reflect on my thoughts, feelings and relationship in a mature, productive manner.

Note for clarity: I’m not saying I wish I could go back into any prior relationship and do anything better or different. What I’m saying is that I’m so glad I have a better handle on this and can better navigate any difficulties in my marriage now.

So….here’s my advice for you:

When you get to feeling itchy in your relationship and start to wonder if it’s right or wrong, or if it’s just you….start with you. Start with some self-reflection.

If you are experiencing abuse in your relationship, this post is not for you. You can get help here: https://victimconnect.org/resources/national-hotlines/

Use these 5 questions to help you look within and answer that common question: “Is it just me?”

When you feel irritated, is your partner really irritating you, or are you overly irritable lately?

We all can get moody and short-tempered. You need to be aware of how loose your trigger is before harping on your partner about triggering you.

Instead of saying: “My spouse really knows how to push my buttons”, ask yourself this:

• How sensitive are my buttons?

I also ask myself these questions:

• Am I tired?
• Did my grand plans for the day fall apart?
• Did I skip quiet me-time today?

Well, I don’t sleep well, I can be perfectionistic, and I get drained by too much stimulation. So, when I feel like throwing something at someone, it’s probably because the answer to at least one of those questions is “yes”.

When your hair starts standing on ends, learn to pause, check in with yourself, and recognize your sensitivities and self-care needs. You’ll then find yourself more in control of how you relate to those you love.

When you fret about what your partner might think about a choice you made, or you’re trying really hard to convince your partner about something, are you really convinced yourself, or are you insecure about it?

If you feel good and strongly about something, you won’t feel so much need to plead your case. You’ll be able to let the truth shine on its own.

Also, when you feel secure in yourself and your decisions, you won’t get so bothered by questions. You’ll have the answers or the confidence that you’ll figure it all out.

Sometimes we project our fears about ourselves onto our partners, and then we have a scapegoat to blame as we continue to avoid something. For example, feeling like you can’t work on that novel you’ve been wanting to write because you say your spouse doesn’t believe in you.

But maybe you don’t believe in you.

Believing in yourself will lessen your emotional reactions and help you actually be open to feedback instead of fearing it.

How you see yourself will affect how others see and treat you. You’ve got to see yourself as smart and capable….and whatever else you want others to see in you.

When you cringe because your partner voiced a complaint, can you find a tiny truth in what your partner said?

Don’t get caught up in how your partner said it. Yes, that’s important, but if you two haven’t had communication skills training, just stick with me on the looking within.

Often we get so mad (a natural reaction) at being criticized that we totally dismiss the fact that some part of what was said is actually true, or at least true to them and it needs to be acknowledged.

Are you allowing yourself to fully love? Or are you holding on to past hurts, poor examples from your parents, or illusory expectations?

What do you need to get over, and maybe find help for? Is there something you need to let go of in order to be able to trust, live and give freely? What expectations could you release and allow yourself to accept your partner?

Think about what stories or expectations you might be holding on to that perhaps no partner could live up to. Love comes from fondness. What can you be fond of about your partner?

Are you seeking, even begging for acceptance or to be valued by your partner? How can you boost how you feel about yourself?

What do you need to see yourself as worthy? How can you honor and celebrate your accomplishments?

When you see yourself as worthy, you show up that way; you exude a vibrancy that cannot be ignored. I fought and fought for someone I was with before to see me, to see how pretty I am, how smart I am, how talented I am. When I finally realized these things about myself, I quit agonizing about how he saw me.

You can learn a lot about yourself when you are deep in a relationship. You can halt a lot of turmoil for yourself, for your partner, and for the relationship, if you learn to look within first.

If you would like to dive further into relationship enrichment or healing, I would love to help you out. Simply send me an email at jennifer@starkwellness.com. Or just click here to get in touch quickly. You can drop a few details if you want to, and we can schedule a free consultation to see if you would feel comfortable working together either one-on-one or as a couple.